Almost two years. Twenty months.
That’s how long it’s been since I posted anything; since I wrote anything that was just for me – in my space.
I’m still not sure if I lost my voice, or purposely silenced it. I think it was honestly a combination of both. I signed out of my social media accounts, deleted the apps and stopped writing; sharing.
I withdrew from pretty much everything. At first, it was purely for self preservation.
The less I shared; the less I could be judged and ridiculed – and man, could people get ugly.
I had a lot going on personally and I needed to make my health and well being my sole priority. I needed to get well and I couldn’t do that publicly. So I removed the pressure. I retreated to my safe place, sought the help of multiple medical professionals and did the work to recover.
It wasn’t easy. Hell, there were days when I was convinced rock bottom did in fact have a basement. But I learned so much and grew even more.
It was on this ‘road to recovery’ that I finally realized how important writing was to me personally. The concussion I sustained in a car accident not quite three years ago, left me with devastating deficits – one of which impacted my ability to write and even speak. I was left with cognitive issues – including difficulty with memory/word recall. I would be having a conversation, knowing the words I wanted to say, but was left with the inability to physically say them. It was frustrating and absolutely terrifying – but that’s a story for another day.
One of the hardest parts of not having my voice or the ability to fully use it the last two years? I’m an English Major. Actually my degree is a double major/minor – all specialties requiring the ability to play with words. But more than that, writing has always been – a part of me. It’s been a creative and therapeutic outlet; a way for me to process all of the things that happen in life.
The ability to write is as essential to me, as breathing and it was tough not having that.
But an incredible therapist helped me find my way back and here I am, typing again. I can’t yet put into words how excited I am to be back – I’m sure I’ll say it a time or two!