It was the last day of classes today you guys! I’ve been both anticipating and dreading it for weeks now. I mean it’s lovely not to wake up in the dark knowing I don’t have to dig my car out of another snow fall, only to get to campus – and have no parking. I have played parking roulette so many times this semester and thankfully won – for the most part.
I won’t lie though, I’m reaching the point where I’m contemplating – well everything. I’m filled with doubt, impatience and discontent.
When I decided to go back to university in 2013, life was simple and wonderful. Through the last three and a half to four years, however; everything has changed so drastically. I find it hard to gain my footing at times.
Never in my wildest dreams (or nightmares!) could I have imagined what life would look like if I were to fast forward two, three, or even four years.
Being diagnosed with thyroid cancer at 28 and dealing with the medical aftershocks; having a fall out with my parents; being involved in a car accident that ripped away our financial security and has left my fiance seeing surgeon after surgeon, hoping to regain full use of his dominant arm and his back; being diagnosed with depression and being left alone to deal with it all; being forced to take a semester off school because the powers that be believed that ‘due to the mental, emotional, and physical distress’ I’ve been under, was too much . . .
It all took its toll.
Any one thing alone and I might have been able to keep a firm grasp on it all – with my sanity in tact.
All of it together, however; brought this girl to her knees.
Thanks to a fabulous therapist, my amazingly supportive fiance, and the ability to bend my best friend’s ear, I have managed to regain my footing – though it’s still shaky.
But it still left me here today, in a pool of doubt.
The hopes and dreams I had in 2013 are so different than the ones I have now. Life is so different now.
Four years ago I was facing the summer off with Vic. We had huge plans for the future going forward. Four years ago I knew what I wanted for my soon-to-be 28 year old self.
Four years later and I haven’t the sweetest clue anymore.
So instead of celebrating the end of another semester with snacks and supper with Vic, as I normally do, I sit here wondering what in the world I’m doing.
I’m wondering if I’m still headed in the right direction or if I’m wasting my time working towards something that was simply a dream of that 27 year old woman, four years ago.
It’s time for a little soul searching.
I’m desperate to have that fire reignited again. The fire that bright-eyed, optimistic 27 year old woman lit four years ago. The fire that was my hopes, dreams, and passions for the future.