Have you ever gotten so caught up in the glorification of being busy that you don’t even realize your life has become something straight out of Alice in Wonderland?
The past few weeks I have felt like I’ve been sliding down a never ending rabbit hole. Like, seriously. (God I totally just sounded like a Valley Girl hey?) It’s been a crazy emotional time for me and I’ve had to take some time to dig my heels in and figure out what exactly was happening. I was a woman who liked to work. Partly from financial necessity, partly for my own sanity. I have missed multiple occasions and events with my family. I have skipped doctors appointments, put off medical tests and totally neglected their advice – because honestly, I was just too busy.
Yes, I know it’s stupid, dumb, idiotic and a rather large number of synonyms.
I remember sitting in my doctors office. He sat at his desk, pen posed over notebook and asked me what my daily schedule was like. The pen never touched paper; instead he spun his chair around to look at me. With a stern look I was at the receiving end on one question, “Why?”. For a few moments I just sat there. I didn’t want to tell him the truth, but at this point I knew I needed help. So upon explaining myself I received a sympathetic look and words telling me I had to cut back.
Words I ignored. Twice. I swear, he’s going to give up on me soon.
Since Fall 2013, I have had this mentality that there was only now. I couldn’t count on there being a tomorrow, so I needed to do it now. I looked at my bucket list; my hopes and dreams and developed this absolute desperation to experience it all. Irrational? Sure. But have you ever read John Green’s A Fault in Our Stars? It was recommended to me and well I never need an excuse to read a good book. I made it as far as page 5. I won’t give you details as I don’t like spoilers, but crap it didn’t hit home – it slammed home!
After a few days I just shook it off and continued the craziness. I kept telling myself and even you guys, that I had every intention of slowing down. That I would be cutting back on work, focusing on this and that etc. They were good intentions, but I don’t know if I ever really had an honest intention to move forward with them. Because the fear that has gripped me ever so tightly these last 21 months is so much stronger than any advice a doctor could give me.
But I’ve come to realize it isn’t worth the stress I’m putting on my fiance or myself. Last year I was sent for a cardiogram because I was showing signs on heart distress. I have a back injury that has me in agonizing pain, unable to walk or drive sometimes, but I take pain medication and ignore it all. Because I let the fear win. I let it rob every rational thought I was owner of.
But you see, my stress isn’t just my stress. It’s Vic’s stress too. And he doesn’t deserve that. He has been so incredibly understanding through it all, but it’s unfair and I don’t want to be the cause of his frustration or stress any more. It’s starting to make its way into his day to day life. He deserves so much better than that.
So while I’ve been quiet these past few weeks, I’ve been working on some personal things. I’ve decided I needed to stop letting the fear win. I needed to stop being paralyzed by a fear of getting sick again. Because my future and my impending marriage depends on it. I’ve also realized that my working harder doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll get better results – sometimes it means the exact opposite. Sometimes it makes you too busy to pay much attention to any result.
Take my photography for example. The busy me led a very fly by night approach to my business. Deposits didn’t always get paid, I didn’t always get paid and I lost A LOT of money. The rational me has drawn up a very detailed contract that is now required to be signed by everyone – even family – accompanied by a retainer. I’ve always had a dream of making photography a full time career, but in order for me to do that I need to run it like a business, not a hobby. I discounted sessions to help build clientele; which backfired as I discounted waaaay too low. Did this help with getting me sessions? Sure, but it has also cost me money instead of making me money.
For a girl who has such a strong business background; who is currently working toward her masters – I have been SO incredibly mistaken. The hamster wheel has been spinning out of control – my bank account can attest to that. You see, I have a job besides photography. When I book sessions, I request time off from my day job so to speak. Sessions fall through or reschedule for various reasons. This means I’m not only out the money from the session, but also my job. Then the cycle continues if the session is rescheduled. And yes, I understand illnesses, emergencies, and extreme weather – we’re all human and well, we live in Newfoundland. In saying that, I knew I needed strict guidelines to protect me financially going further.
So going forward you will see a lot of changes in Tonya Roberts | Photographer. I assure you these are good changes for myself and you as well. These changes will take time as I make the necessary changes in my schedule as well. I will be taking on more of my day job in order to recoup the last few months so session times will be limited. I have mini session days scheduled for the coming months. You will not want to wait to inquire as time is so very limited.
I am excited for the changes I’ve already made and the ones you will see implemented. I can’t wait to work with my doctors to get this ol body back in shape and I can’t wait to spend a guilt free day with my amazingly patient fiance doing absolutely nothing but enjoying the day and each other.
If you would like to keep up on my work, including sneak peeks, sessions, mini session details and my story – follow the blog. This will be my home going forward. You will occasionally see posts on Facebook; I’m on Instagram daily, but I will be here all the time sharing with you constantly.