Yes I’ve been a slacker. Yes it’s been quiet on the blog. No I haven’t given up. There hasn’t been a day in the last 22 that I haven’t thought of curling up with my laptop and blogging like crazy. But instead I’ve been curled up with my laptop, notebooks and textbooks. I have been a mean studying machine!
See, I have been at a loss for the better part of the last year. Swaying this way and that when trying to nail down my degree concentration. I started at MUN simply to get a degree. Not a specific degree. Just the one that always stared back at me from my infamous bucket list. So I dove right in, trying a diverse selection of courses to see where my interests lay.
What I found was what I already knew in my heart of hearts. Business is where interests are. Where my heart is. Where my soul is. I am a woman who thrives on a challenge. Who is a perpetual planner, but adaptable. A woman who doesn’t believe in failure, but will admit to being wrong.
I’m a woman who wants in the corporate world. Whose dream job would be that of the George Clooney character in Up in the Air.
So late last summer I switched from education/recreation degrees to business. Decided I would love to get my BBA with a different focus than human resource. The more diverse my background the more opportunities upon graduation. But those who know me, know I never settle. So I decided on pursuing my MBA. In order to do that I had to pull up my socks and maintain an A average in all things business.
Do you realize how hard distance courses are through university?? Crazy hard. They lack the structure of classroom teaching, you rarely get a professor to narrow down material and are therefore left having to study an entire textbook for an exam that has 2-6 questions, and it requires an insane amount of discipline.
I’ve been doing my entire degree by distance and let me tell you, it’s STRESSFUL! I like to think I’m a disciplined person, but trust me, I have days when I just want to binge watch Netflix, hang with my beautiful niece and nephew because they’re awesome and growing SO fast, spend all day planning my WEDDING, and just sleeping in when I’m down for the count with the flu. And sometimes I do these things, but I pay dearly for them. Just ask poor Vic.
That man’s a saint. Honest. I am a moody, cranky ass sometimes having to force myself to study unnecessary material when I’d rather be doing anything else. And he has gotten used to the moods, knows when to ignore me and when to distract me. I love him ten times around the moon and back again and can’t wait to be his wife. If I ever get to plan this wedding!
It’s been so overwhelming, but SO fun. And boy have I learned SO much over the last 6 months. I feel like I’ve learned more in the last year of my twenties then I did in the majority of the decade.
I’ve had a hard time with my approaching thirties. I pride myself on being a realist even though I’m an eternal dreamer. But when it comes to family, my heart lets me down every time. I grew up an only child in a huge dysfunctional family. I never stopped dreaming of a closeness that would take away the pressure of being the only child that everyone loved and loved to hate. I was Switzerland. Neutral ground so to speak. I was held to incredibly high standards in which I grew to hold for myself. But I wasn’t perfect, still far from it. The feeling of disappointing my family though, never gets easier. Even though I FINALLY realize that they were the ones letting me down.
Don’t kid yourself when you say that you hold those you love to impossible standards because you know they can do it. That’s a lie. You are setting them up for failure. You are setting them up for a lifetime of disappointment and that’s not love. Want to see someone reach their true potential? Support, don’t force. We will rebel and it will be you we rebel against.
I had started a new project for the blog, but changed my mind once I started writing. It was a series of letters. Letters to each of my loved ones (without using names). But they were too raw, personal and honest for the internet. My true intention would’ve gotten lost and I didn’t want it to come across as anything other than honest. So into my journal they went.
As I approach a new chapter of my life with our wedding and my turning thirty I have forced myself to accept some harsh realities. I can’t force people to be a part of my life. I can’t force people to take an interest in what I do. I can however choose who is a part of my life. So I have been learning to say no. I have been learning to ignore the feelings of disappointment that come when my family members are the ones who hurt me the most.
And most of all I’m learning to disconnect. To enjoy the hell out of those who love me and support me and ignore those who don’t. But just because the scars are healing doesn’t mean the pain is. It’s getting better, but it takes time. I am however, getting really good being absent for those who choose to treat me this way and my god I’ve never felt better.
I want this next chapter to be different. To be light, freeing, less stressful and just damn enjoyable!
So now that I’ve rabbled on about how I’ve been tied up the past few weeks, I must be off to my other job – weddings are expensive!
I will be back to posting soon as my finals are over on the April 13. If you have messaged me through my blog or email and have not gotten a response there’s a good chance it might have gotten lost in the 16,832 email currently sitting in my inbox. And sadly that’s no joke (I’ll show you a screen shot later!). I’ll be making my way through them as quickly as I can but the next 10 days will be spent with my family and studying!