So it’s kind of like the old game of Simon says, but my doctors name is Peter.
I’ve finally decided to stop ignoring his medical advice (YaY me – like what the hell right? Why would I ignore a medical professional?) because for the last 8 months I have felt like I’m going to pull my hair out. I’m attempting to be superwoman. Let me tell you; it’s not possible. We all apparently have a breaking point because sadly our bodies are mere human and will resist the pressures we put it under once it’s had enough. Well mine has been trying to tell me to lay off for quite some time and now I think I may have pissed it off altogether.
Thanks to last year’s thyroid cancer diagnosis, I’ve already been struggling with finding a new balance for proper diet and exercise that won’t leave me feeling exhausted or light headed and dizzy. Not fun. Canada’s Food Guide only works for those with all functioning parts it would seem. Not I. My body now rejects the carbs I feed it, no matter the amount, but will not allow me to feed it enough fruits, veggies and protein without feeling incredibly nauseous. Again; not fun.
And on top of that I now have been having incredibly painful chest pains and headaches that leave me feeling completely useless. Concentration is shot to hell; irritation levels are at an all time high and I feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster.
Who has time for this?
Have I mentioned that I’m a full time business student who works 20+ hours a week at one job and is trying to start a business while attending workshops and courses for that as well? I also have a fiance who loves to know I’m still kicking every now and then and who once in a blue moon loves to not feel like he sees me every other week. Not to mention a family who shakes their heads in bewilderment and who is incredibly disappointed when I have to keep saying “I can’t/I’m sorry/I just don’t have time.”
Well I’m screaming MERCY!
I simply cannot continue on this ridiculous schedule I’ve created for myself. It’s not sensible, healthy or normal – for anyone. Most days all I want to do is plug my ears, close my eyes and pray no one asks anything of me – because I’m certain I can’t possible manage even the slightest extra thing right now.
But then they do.
And it’s usually school that suffers. And if you know me – you know this isn’t something I take lightly. I do A’s. Nothing else. Just A’s. Always A’s. So when I half ass studying for an exam and get something other then that – it just adds to the already ginormous stress mountain I have growing. I’m left feeling guilty. Incredibly guilty; annoyed and disappointed in myself. I can do better. I know this. Everyone knows this. Peter says this isn’t healthy. That I’m expecting perfection in an impossible situation. What’s he know? He only has about 15 certificate/degrees on the bloody wall. Pfft. He doesn’t know me.
Turns out he was right. Who would’ve thought a doctor would know what he’s talking about.
So now I sit and await the results of a cardiogram/ekg. Lovely.
Funny how all this started. I get a crazy phone call last fall with the crazy twist of fate, causing me to become scared that I won’t get to experience the things in life I’ve always wanted to. Now, 1 year later, I’m faced with another potential health issue in direct relation with my reaction last year. Instead of taking a moment to enjoy life, I’ve made myself too busy to do just that. I’m accomplishing so much and enjoying none of it.
Senseless isn’t it?
I know. I’m trying to change things and you’re a part of that. Through talks with my doctor about priorities I’ve made some hard choices that I’m left to implement. Which is how I came to the decision to transition into doing what I love full time.
In the meantime, I hope you hang in there with me. I’ll be working my hardest to make this transition happen in a timely matter, but I am sadly in a game of ‘Peter says’ right now, that he won’t release me from until my body has had time to recuperate.
I’ll leave you now for a delicious piece of very rich, very fattening, very delicious cheesecake. Because everything is a little better with cheesecake.